


Stay

by PinkLotus (EspurrsVena)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Once again I have no idea how to proper tag this, Ren centered, no beta we die like real men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25823797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EspurrsVena/pseuds/PinkLotus
Summary: Takumi had built a wall between them some time ago and each day that passed made the wall seem even more unconquerable. The first one between them – the legendary pillow wall – had been small and easily breakable, yet Ren had respected the other one’s wish. However afterwards, the wall between them grew each day until Ren wasn’t able to see him properly anymore.
Relationships: Kawanishi Takumi/Kawashiri Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	Stay

_Hey, on the way from practise today I discovered a cute little cafe and their strawberry chocolate cakes are heaven. I wish I could have gone with you but you had other plans. Let’s go there together another time, okay?_

_I know you will laugh when you read this but while I was buying new white socks today (don’t worry your ones are fine still!) I found the perfect hoodie for you. I wanted to buy it for you but then Keigo wrote into the group chat that you two went shopping together. I guess you don’t need any more clothes after today’s shopping tour, right?_

_You missed the funniest game session tonight. Sukai finally decided to join us and for some reason Mame wanted to beat your Kirby high score. His face was too cute when he realised that’s impossible. You need to join tomorrow. Do you have time?_

_Last night I tried to recreate my mom’s hamburger and it was a success! It tasted as good as her one and I’m sure you would like it, too. I wanted to ask you to try it but when I went to your room, I heard Junki’s voice saying that he made something for you. Was it good what he made?_

_Look what I found while re-arranging some things. A picture of the Raise the flag team! All those memories… sure, it wasn’t easy but we won! You won! Wasn’t that amazing? Tbh, sometimes I miss those times. I miss how close we were._

It was another night during which Ren felt lonely while scrolling through un-send messages. Each one of those messages felt like one sad story on their own. Maybe he should have sent those but the receiver rarely checked his phone and by the time he saw it, everything would have been irrelevant for sure. Yet telling everything in person was no option either because Ren rarely saw him outside of work. A wall had appeared between them and the dancer didn’t know whether he was able to break through it. 

Takumi started to build a wall between them some time ago and each day that passed made the wall seem even more unconquerable. The first one between them – the legendary pillow wall – had been small and easily breakable, yet Ren had respected the other one’s wish. However afterwards, the wall between them grew each day until Ren wasn’t able to see him properly anymore. 

It wasn’t just in a metaphorical meaning. Ren barely saw Takumi outside of their work anymore. Once they returned to their dorm, the red haired one disappeared into his room – a place which Ren wasn’t allowed to enter for some reason. On their rare free days, Takumi spent those with other members. On the one hand, it made Ren happy to see that everyone grew close, but on the other one it made his heart ache. While the bonds between Takumi and everyone else grew, their bond started to disappear. 

Also, even during work it seemed like Takumi distanced himself from him. The moments they spend together became fewer and fewer until there was no moment of just them left. There was always at least one other member – if they were in a team at all.   
It wasn’t like Ren minded to work with Mame, Shosei or any other member but just once he wanted to be with Takumi again – just like back in the days. 

Also, Ren tried to fix things, to bring them closer again. He kept praising and helping Takumi as much as he could just like back in the days. Yet most of the time the response was lukewarm. Each of his smiles that went to someone else than Ren made his heart break a little more. Instead of the wall between them, Ren’s heart broke each day. 

Naturally, at the same time Ren wondered what had happened. Had he angered Takumi in some way? More than that, each time he started to wonder, dark thoughts also entered his mind.   
Had Takumi only used him and his popularity for himself? Had he disliked him from the very beginning? Was he replaced now that Takumi had found better people? Was their friendship even real? 

Ren didn’t want to think about those questions.   
A part of his mind told him that the reason he didn’t want to think about them was that he couldn’t handle the truth. Another part didn’t want to doubt his friend. One more part was just tired. Finally, there was a part that wanted to turn back time – to a time when everything was still fine between them. 

Furthermore, Ren hated himself for not appreciating the time he spend with the other members. He liked to be paired with Mame. Besides them being rivals since the beginning, their youngest felt like a younger brother, he wanted to protect – and tease sometimes. Their relationship was different and similar from his one with Takumi. He also liked how much Sukai praised him and it made him wonder whether Takumi felt the same when Ren praised him. Cooking with Ruki was super funny because he couldn’t believe that someone in his age was such a noob in the kitchen. But at the same time, he wished that he would stand with Takumi in the kitchen. No matter what he did, no matter who he spend time with, the red haired one never left his thoughts. 

“You should talk to him. Just go over to his room.”, Junki said one day while they were on the way home.   
“What do you mean?” The statement was out of the blue. Sure, Ren’s thoughts were with Takumi in that moment once more and he was feeling blue because of him once more. A simple comment had made his mood drop once more. A simple “I’m glad it’s you, Keigo” said with a bright smile when their manager announced that the two will have a radio interview together. In the dancer ears, it sounded like “I’m glad, you are not Ren.” 

“Talk with Takumi. Get the answers you are looking for.” As much as Ren wanted those answers, he feared them. No, he feared to be rejected, feared to hear that his worst dreams could come true.   
“I’m afraid.” Luckily, Junki was one of the few people he could be honest with. He was one of the members he became much closer after the formation besides them getting along already before. He knew he could trust the singer’s judgement. And yet... Junki was one of the people who became Takumi’s preferred company instead of himself. “You don’t know anything? You are close now.” Much closer than him and me, was left unsaid. The thought already pained him.   
“I’m sorry. I don’t know anything. He never mentioned you.” 

Another simple statement that broke Ren’s heart. That Takumi didn’t even mention him in conversations with his other friends, hurt more than it should. Did he even matter to the other one? Did he even care about him?   
“Chin up, Ren.” Junji tried his best to raise the mood once more, yet the dancer felt sadder than ever. It was ridiculous and unfair towards his friend, he knew. Still, the darkness had overtaken his heart and mind. 

Eventually, Ren made his way towards Takumi’s room. It was already late at night and there was a chance that the other one was asleep already, yet all the thoughts didn’t let Ren sleep. He needed answers. To his (bad) luck, in the moment he arrived at his room, Keigo left it. “Takumi, you got a moment?” His voice was shaking but both Keigo and Takumi didn’t seem to care about that.   
“What do you want?”, the red haired one’s voice was cold, so cold that it made Ren shudder.   
“I want to talk.” Not being interested in the topic, Keigo left and Ren was glad about it. He wanted to talk just with his (former) friend.   
“About what?”   
"About us.” 

The face Takumi made in that moment was full of disgust. “You don’t get it, do you?” His voice was colder than ever and panic bubbled inside of Ren. He could feel what was coming. “There is no us. You annoy me.”   
“Why?” Besides fearing the answer, he couldn’t help but ask.   
“I don’t need you anymore. I’m popular on my own now. You were useful in the beginning but now? You annoy the hell out of me because you act like a freaking 6-year-old child. I wish you wouldn’t make made it into the group.” 

With a shock Ren woke up from his nightmare. It wasn’t real, it wasn’t real, he kept telling himself yet tears flowed from his eyes. He felt so hollow and wanted to hear the opposite from the red haired one, yet it was 3 am and he was being ridiculous. He had to learn to deal with the fact that Takumi preferred other company now, but it didn’t mean that he was hated – at least he hoped so. 

In the end, Ren didn’t find any sleep that night. The images and the hatred in his voice continued to haunt him besides not being real. He knew he should talk to Takumi but more than ever he was scared for the answers. What if his nightmare wasn’t a nightmare but a foreshadowing? What if Takumi didn’t like him anymore? What if their friendship never had been real? 

When they left for practise, Ren’s lack of sleep was evident. Dark circles were visible under his eyes and he had a hard time leading the practise. After some time, Sukai came to him and gave him one of his infamous energy drinks. That drink helped him to regain some physical energy, yet mentally he was still drained. He managed to pull through the practise somehow, yet it wasn’t as much fun as it usually was. It was a warning sign that even dancing couldn’t make him feel better anymore. Still, he was too tired to care. 

In the evening, he had promised to study the piano with Shosei. The younger one had offered to move it to another day, yet Ren needed distraction from his dark thoughts and hollow feeling.   
But ultimately there was no way to escape it. His thoughts didn’t leave the red haired one and the exhaustion overtook his body once more. He didn’t want to worry his friend, but he noticed it anyway. 

“Ren, what’s wrong with you? Is it about Takumi?”, the blonde one asked after Ren wasn’t able to memorise a simple melody again.   
“How do you know?” Was he that obvious? Did Takumi notice something too?, he wondered   
“During practise, your eyes often went into his direction, checking whatever his reaction was.”   
It must have happened unconsciously because the dancer couldn’t even remember doing that. Yet there was also no reaction from the red haired one to remember. “Oh okay.”   
“Did you two had a fight?” 

A part of Ren wished that they had one. At least, he would have a reason why they were so distant lately. But there was nothing. They were nothing. “No. But… I don’t know. He prefers other company now. He doesn’t need me anymore.”   
“Don’t say that.”   
“I know I know… but we don’t spend time anymore like we used to. Hell, we don’t even spend time together at all.” Not being able to fight against his feelings anymore, tears started to drop from his eyes.   
Shosei as gentle as he was always pulled him into a hug and tried to comfort him as best as he could. “But you guys went to the tv station together.”   
"And with Mame. Meanwhile, he goes out alone with Keigo all the time.” The dancer didn’t want to feel jealousy or any hatred towards Keigo, but it was there. It was there because he was living the life Ren wished for himself. 

“Think about it. We used to be closer, too, but eventually that changed. We gained more friends whose company we also enjoy.” Of course, Shosei wasn’t wrong. Ren had 9 more friends in his group, but his mind stuck to that one person. Anew, he felt guilty for letting his mind focusing solely on Takumi.   
“Did you feel the same when I became closer with Takumi back in the days?”   
“At first I was sad, yes.”, confessed the blonde haired one. “But I knew I wasn’t alone and eventually it helped me to become my own person. I stuck to your side too much in the beginning. It was what I needed.” His smile was sincere in that moment, yet there was still a whisper in Ren’s mind telling him that he had been a bad friend. “And look, we are still friends and close. I’m sure that this situation won’t last forever and you two will be closer again soon.”   
Ren wanted to believe him, he wanted to believe that it was just temporary. He missed Takumi too much. 

After Shosei left, Ren’s thoughts kept him awake another night. He had to talk with the red haired one. He wouldn’t find peace unless they talked and he was reassured that nothing had happened.   
Thus, he made his way towards Takumi’s room. However, when he arrived and saw Keigo leaving the room, panic rose inside of him. The picture in front of him looked too much like his nightmare. The moment both members saw him, it became too much and he ran back to his room. He didn't even hear Takumi calling his name. 

The next day was actually worse than the previous one. He was too exhausted for practise and even Sukai’s energy drink and an expresso made by Sho couldn’t help him. Even though he hated coffee, the bitter taste of the drink fit to his bitter state of mind. Also, he was simply to tired to care.   
“About the video contents. Have you decided what you want to do?”, asked their manager when the practise was finally over. It had been worse than the day before and Ren felt guilty about that. As the performance leader the practise was his responsibility and he failed that. 

Actually, Ren had forgotten about the video contents. He and Takumi were scheduled to do something together, yet by not talking with each other recently, they weren’t able to find out what their corner will be. Initially, Ren had been excited about that. Finally, a schedule of just them again but now he was discouraged. One look at Takumi’s slightly alarmed face was enough to take the last bit of excitement from him. “It doesn’t matter. I don’t need a corner this time.” 

At the beginning Ren had been beyond excited for everything surrounding their second single and shooting new contents. He was supposed to become center this time and both the song and the choreography were done by people he admired. The new single was made for him – but now he could only feel numbness. His reaction didn’t make any sense. He reached the point he always dreamed of – yet he wasn’t happy only because of a seemingly broken friendship. It was unbelievable how stupid his reaction was. 

Later the night he was called into Sho’s room. Originally, he wanted to stay in his room and continue to wallow in self-pity yet you couldn’t say no to the leader.   
To his surprise Takumi was also there. The dancer couldn’t explain the situation to himself, but both members looked concerned.   
Also, besides their leader being quite health conscious, all of Ren’s favourite foods were waiting for him. “Ren, what is wrong with you? Is the center pressure too much for you?” 

Did the pressure of being a center played a role in his unexplainable reactions?, he wondered. Back during the auditions, he was handling that pressure much better. But that was because he was never alone. He might have been center but all the time he was supported by his friends, by Takumi. At the same time, there was no difference in the current situation. All the members and the staff supported him as the center.   
“No, I’m fine.” He didn’t even know why he was lying. It was pointless because both Sho’s and Takumi’s look confirmed that they looked right through him. 

“You are not fine, Ren.” Suddenly, it was Takumi who took his hand. “Talk to us.”   
Once more a simple thing caused a big reaction inside of Ren. This small gesture meant so much to him. It confirmed that the red haired one still cared for him. The wall that was inside of himself collapsed and he collapsed too. Numbness was replaced by feeling too much. 

Someone, most likely Sho, pulled him on the bed and Takumi’s hand didn’t leave his one.   
“Ren, what’s going on? You worry us.” He didn’t want to worry anyone, but he had no explanation either. It didn’t even make sense to him. Hence, he didn’t even try to describe his feelings until he felt like he was able to breathe in some way again.   
However, finding the right words proved to be challenge. How could he describe his feelings without sounding demanding? Without sounding like a kid whose favourite toy was taken by another one? Without calling himself out as a jealous and obsessive person? 

“Take this.” While Ren was still searching for the right words, Sho handed him a cup of hot chocolate. The smell and the warmness felt comforting, still he had trouble to find the right words. “If you feel overwhelmed, you can always relay on everyone here. We are a team, a family. You are not alone.”   
The dancer knew that Sho was right. He knew that he was ridiculous. “I know.” Everyone was there for him, yet he was feeling greedy and his mind demanded special attention from one person. He didn’t deserve everyone. “It’s just...” 

“It’s me, isn’t it?”, said Takumi suddenly. “It’s my fault, right?”   
“No, it’s not!” Takumi feeling guilty because of his possessiveness was the last thing that Ren wanted. As much as he wanted to go back to what they were, he never wanted to force him to do so. “It’s just my mind being stupid.”   
“Your feelings are valid, Ren.” As always Sho was the voice of reason. “Don't keep them to yourself. Tell us what you feel.” 

“I don’t even know why I am like that. I miss you by my side, Takumi. I miss you so much. Seeing you with someone else all the time kills me. I’m sorry that I’m envious. I’m sorry that my mind focuses on such stupid things instead of the new single.”   
As expected, Takumi didn’t reply to his confession. Ren didn’t even dare to look into his face in that moment. He could feel the other one judging him for that.   
“Did anything happen?” Meanwhile, Sho sounded confused.   
“No and I guess that’s the problem.”, Takumi finally spoke. 

Mentally, Ren tried to prepare himself to be yelled at, to be rejected, to lose Takumi and his whole body was shaking. He just knew he had messed up.   
“Ren, look at me.” Gently, Takumi lifted his chin with his hand and made Ren look into his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t notice that I left you alone at much. But you could have just said something.”   
“But you looked so happy with Keigo... I felt there was no room for me.” Everytime the dancer saw them being happy, he lost his courage to approach him or send his message to him.   
“There is always room for you. You are my friend.”   
“Am I?”   
“Of course, you are, you idiot. Why would you think like that? I was crazy with worry about you the last days.” 

For the first time in ages, Takumi pulled Ren into a hug and the grey haired one couldn’t help but cling to him. It’s been too long since they were so close the last time. As good as it felt, he also felt that he didn’t deserve it, that he guilt-tripped the red haired one into hugging him. Yet at the same time he couldn’t let go. “After the debut, we grew more and more distant. It’s not like I’m not happy that you get along with everyone, I promise, but I miss our time together so much.”   
“Aren’t we close still? For me, you are still one of the most important people. Without you, I wouldn’t be here.”   
“But I’m not allowed into your room, you never want to take pictures with me, you avoid doing schedules with me...” Ren knew that he should just accept the other one’s words, but his anxiety was still high, too high to let his mind calm down. 

“I can’t believe you believe that still! Ren, you can always come to my room. I was just messing with you back then.”, a small chuckle escaped Takumi’s lips. “And about the other things... We were so often together during the audition, I thought it’s better to show everyone that I’m getting along with the other members, too. I thought everyone including you knew that we are already a good team.” It made sense what Takumi said and it made Ren feel even worse about himself. He was overreacting. “I’m sorry that it made you feel lonely.”   
“Don’t say that.” The red haired one shouldn’t feel bad. Only Ren himself deserved to feel bad for being so stupid. 

"If you need me by your side more, just tell me. I'm sure we will figure out a way."  
It felt so good to hear that Takumi was still at his side, that he still cared for him. However, the voice inside of him that told him that he didn't deserve that for his recent behaviour.

“That’s what I’m always saying. Everyone needs to communicate more with each other. I’m just done teaching that to S4, so that they stop fighting about stupid things and I guess you two are the next ones.”, Sho said in a slightly scolding tone. “Ren, when something bothers you, you need to say it out loud. Don't keep it to yourself. Especially when you are as stressed as now as our center and performance leader. And Takumi, you need to realise that not everyone is thinking the same way as you. Sometimes you need to explain things to other people because they interpret things differently than you. Do you understand, you two?” 

Moments like that made Ren glad that Sho was their leader. He always knew the right words and ways to solve conflicts. “I do.”   
“Good. Now hug each other a little longer because you two seem to need that.” Again, their leader was right. Ren needed the hug from Takumi, he needed to feel him close once more. 

Eventually, they both decided to leave Sho’s room. It was their subtle way of saying thank you to the leader, to give him some privacy at least for the rest of the night. It was something Sho rarely had because his room was something like the unofficial meeting room. Still, Ren didn’t want to part from Takumi. He was like a traveller in the desert who had finally found an oasis and needed more of the water it provided. Yet, he didn’t want to guilt trip the red haired one any more. Thus, when they reached Ren’s floor, he was unsure what to do. 

“Sure, I will come with you to your room.”, declared Takumi with a smile all of sudden.   
“You don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything because you feel guilty in some way.”   
“Don’t worry. It’s been too long since I last came over.”   
Thus, Takumi followed him into his room and yet there was still awkwardness for Ren after the red haired one had made himself comfortable in his room. 

“Takumi, I’m sorry that I have been like that. I don’t want to force you to anything, really.” He still had no proper words to describe his feelings, but an apology felt fitting in that moment. Maybe now he was the one who had built a wall in between them because of his own feelings of guilt.   
“You don’t. I’m sorry for neglecting our friendship lately.” With a smile Takumi pat on the spot next to him, signalling that Ren should sit down there. “But I have one question. Why did it affect you that much? You have Sukai, Mame, Junki and everyone else around you, but my absence pulled you down so much.” 

It wasn’t like Ren hadn’t wondered about that, too. Was it because of their shared past? The seemingly abrupt change in their relationship? “I don’t know. I never felt the same with them as I felt with you.”, was the best reason he could offer.   
“Is it because you feel more than friendship for me?”   
Ren had heard the jokes that he was “whipped” for Takumi and acting like he was lovesick school girl. Recently, he had been more subtle, depressed by the current state of their relationship and embarrassed by his actions, too, yet he could see a point in those observations. His feelings for Takumi were different from his feelings for the other members. “Maybe.” 

“You don’t know it?” Anew, Takumi took his hand in hope to make him feel calmer, but his mind stayed confusing.   
“There is something, but I can’t explain it.”, he confessed. “But Takkun, promise me something.”   
“Only if you promise me something, too.”   
Ren had no idea what he meant, but he nodded anyway before continuing. “Don’t feel pressured to do anything for me now. I never meant to guilt trip you into something. I want you to spend time with me because you want to do that and not because of some feeling of obligation.” 

“I promise.” To confirm his statement, Takumi took his hand from Ren’s one and tried to make their pinkies lock instead. “Now you promise me that you will come to me in the future, if you are not feeling well. Or if you can’t talk to me about that for whatever reason, you will talk with one of the other members before it stresses you as much as the current situation. We are a team now.” Especially the last sentence was stressed by the red haired one.   
“I promise.”   
“I haven’t finished yet.”, he continued. “You also need to promise me that we find out together whatever this is what you are feeling for me.” 

That request was unexpected but welcome. As a natural curious person, Ren also wanted to know the real colour of his feelings. “I promise that, too, but there is one condition.”   
The other one didn’t seem to be happy about the condition, but nodded anyway.   
“Whatever the nature of my feelings is, let us stay friends.”   
“I can’t promise that.” 

For a moment Ren’s heart stopped to beat and his anxiety rose again. “Why?”   
“Because if they are of a certain nature and I happen to feel the same, I will be happy to change our status.”   
By chance, luck was on his side and he could live with that possibility for sure. “Then let me change the condition. Whatever the nature of my feelings is, stay by my side.”   
“I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This AU is the result of the lack of RenKumi and my own anxiety levels. I miss seeing them together so much and sometimes I can't help but wonder if everything is still fine between them. Don't mind me being emo about them.  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.  
> See ya~


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